Cold. Empty. Quiet.

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The beach is like me.
Cold. Empty. Quiet.
My mind is never this quiet. My head is usually pounding with unanswered questions, unresolved issues, and everything in between. Giving up is never this easily thought. My nurse called me today. To our surprise, I have many worries and no anxiety. I’m ready to quit and I have barely begun. I could run again, but I have no where to go. I want to believe I’m finally moving forward and not in circles.

The clubs don’t open til after 6pm. This is not a good sign of a money- making club. Especially when there are casinos everywhere. I’m actually at a casino right now. It’s now after 6p, so its time to try to find work.

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Already I miss home. Not my apartment, just the feeling that I belong somewhere. There’s somewhere in this world, I’m supposed to be. Somewhere I make a difference to the people around me. Somewhere I make a change in my own life. Somewhere that’s obviously not here. Why is it so cold here? Come morning, I have a lot to figure out. It may be wrong to drink a corona and pray but alcohol brings out the truth. The truth before I drank some coronas. The truth that we all see so clearly. It’s evident that I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’ll figure it out one day, one day. Hopefully sooner rather than later…

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6 thoughts on “Cold. Empty. Quiet.

  1. I know it’s none of my business, and feel free not to answer… but I’m interested to know how you were led to believe, came to feel, that stripping and the goal of getting money would make you feel accepted, warm and fulfilled? – That’s kind of the drift I’m getting reading your blogs (congrats on your courage by the way! $)

    1. I was led the Pentecostal way, I still believe that my lifestyle is wrong. I don’t date or keep a job for longer than a year because my depression gets really bad and its not healthy to date (in my opinion) and I call off work because of my mood. Stripping balances out my life because I still get male attention, when you get regular customers at a gentleman club, you feel like your dating, and I make my own work schedule. Stripping is convenient and is where im comfortable right now in my life.

      1. Wow, that sounds really difficult and a challenging way to live indeed. Hectic. Not sure if you’d be open to try it, but I’ve just finished a course called: “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. It’s a book you can get in a book store… You’d totally have to want to stop the depression and be dedicated to the course and ready to face yourself in the rawest capacity ever… it is a challenge, but I love challenges and am naturally self-disciplined… I cannot even begin to tell you how it has lifted my spirits and opened me up to the areas of myself I can work on to help myself be the happier person I deserve to be. I know you deserve awesomeness too and that God doesn’t like you not being joyful as His child. I don’t know, it just reads like a contradiction that you are comfortable, but depressed, wanting to date, but not, faithfilled but depressed… not that I’m one to type, because I get depressed too šŸ˜‰ Anyway, just figured I’d share a path that helped me. Happy Easter lovely lady $

    2. Getting naked is easy. Showing the emotions underneath the skin and revealing your mind and soul is harder. Which is why I write my blog. A daily challenge to stay active socially in a most personal and uncomfortable way.

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