I blog when I’m alone, and to no surprise I’m alone again. It’s been awhile but it is a familiar place. A place I used to find security in my own world. Now I find my head disturbing. The silence annoying, and thoughts that carry no weight of emotion, just a general sadness, what the hell…
I started taking citalopram over a week ago. It’s hard to sleep, especially when you have to keep running to the bathroom for “the runs.” So I took off of work, let my body adjust to the new medication. I started eating pizza and foods to make me constipated, since the medicine wanted to act like a laxative.
Everything was fine until three days ago, I felt more alert in paranoia especially at night. I kept thinking about the windows in the kitchen. Everyday our neighbor open them and every night I close them out of privacy. Now I don’t even want to walk past them at all.
I’m losing energy, I don’t even dance two hours a day anymore for the fun of it. I haven’t got out of bed today and it’s 7:04pm. Since I haven’t been to work, I’ve been saddened at the fact I can’t shop online, and have to envy pretty things on Instagram.
My companion cut his arm up pretty bad last week and stayed home watching movies with me. We’d leave out for 3 hours to get food or more movies, unknowingly til yesterday. Yesterday I felt depression hit me right in the face. I wanted to be alone and let it swallow me in. Fighting takes too much effort sometimes. Let it run its course and it might give you a break to inhale and when it does, get back up. I’ve been inhaling all day, and I’ve only got up to pee. I’ve got my four necessities beside me: Cookies, lip gloss, water, phone. I shoved two Sandies cookies down my throat this morning. I haven’t ate all day, not because I’m not hungry, but because I just don’t feel like it. The mind is a powerful thing. I didn’t fail, the drug did. My mind tries to convince me that I have failed, when I really just begun. And tomorrow, I will try again.