Drugs? Wrong Answer.

I blog when I’m alone, and to no surprise I’m alone again. It’s been awhile but it is a familiar place. A place I used to find security in my own world. Now I find my head disturbing. The silence annoying, and thoughts that carry no weight of emotion, just a general sadness, what the hell…

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I started taking citalopram over a week ago. It’s hard to sleep, especially when you have to keep running to the bathroom for “the runs.” So I took off of work, let my body adjust to the new medication. I started eating pizza and foods to make me constipated, since the medicine wanted to act like a laxative. 

Everything was fine until three days ago, I felt more alert in paranoia especially at night. I kept thinking about the windows in the kitchen. Everyday our neighbor open them and every night I close them out of privacy. Now I don’t even want to walk past them at all.

I’m losing energy, I don’t even dance two hours a day anymore for the fun of it. I haven’t got out of bed today and it’s 7:04pm. Since I haven’t been to work, I’ve been saddened at the fact I can’t shop online, and have to envy pretty things on Instagram.

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My companion cut his arm up pretty bad last week and stayed home watching movies with me. We’d leave out for 3 hours to get food or more movies, unknowingly til yesterday. Yesterday I felt depression hit me right in the face. I wanted to be alone and let it swallow me in. Fighting takes too much effort sometimes. Let it run its course and it might give you a break to inhale and when it does, get back up. I’ve been inhaling all day, and I’ve only got up to pee. I’ve got my four necessities beside me: Cookies,  lip gloss, water, phone. I shoved two Sandies cookies down my throat this morning. I haven’t ate all day, not because I’m not hungry, but because I just don’t feel like it. The mind is a powerful thing. I didn’t fail, the drug did. My mind tries to convince me that I have failed, when I really just begun. And tomorrow, I will try again.

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