Time wasted on smiles and frowns

If I can’t “save” nobody,  nobody can save me. I give up. This battle only has one end. Everyone bites the dust. Don’t dress me up.  Don’t waste any flowers. Just check a few times to make sure I’m really gone, then throw me in the ground. I don’t need a tombstone with my name on it. I never understood how someone’s name could be meaningful without a definition. Names seem like a way to take credit from the Creator. We should be named by our actions. My actions are spontaneous. I’m unpredictable to myself. I should have been named Chaos.

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Sighs* I am chaos..so is the world beneath the weave extensions.
I’ve been brave. I’ve been strong.  I’ve smiled. I’ve frowned. I’ve cryed and cried. Sometimes there’s a why, most times not so often. I’ve laughed. And boy, did I scream. I know fear. I know love. I know what it’s not. I know hate. I know when it’s evilest form. I used to hate this fight. But now I don’t. Because at the end of the day, it’s the same as yours. “It’s all about smiles and frowns. That’s all you have.”

And time. So much fucking time! All this damn time, everyone’s in your face cooing, waiting for you to speak and you keep on smiling and frowning. You speak, then are told to hush. Time to learn when to speak.  So you question everything and everyone until you are scorned. After over 13 school years, you find out some answers take years to find. So you spend a pretty penny in a college education, just to find out “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know!” Does anyone calculate the cost, I mean time, Never mind- because time builds character. Character that people will treat as a weakness. So overtime you try to conjure a facade to protect yourself from worthless pieces of shit. Then you eagerly take that mask off when you fall in love, and just as quickly heartbreak has you face covered in despair. In love, out of love. In love, out of love. Repeat. Til you take time to love and “find yourself.” Then you find out your feelings run you in circles. And in time, ambition runs you farther. So you spend time focusing on your future. Maybe alone. Maybe with someone you met when you “found” yourself. Then you live your life smiling and frowning until you die. Thee end. I hate to break it to you but if you cut all the bull crap, you done just smiled and frowned your whole damn life! This philosophy was brought to you in part my psychotic brain and “Training Day.” If you thought this post was a waste of time, good. Stop reading.

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I’m serious. (Extra spaces Serious.)

Leave my page with your fucking happy ass.

But hey, if your smiling like I know my nurse is, who is somewhere in a clinic taking a break from people like me, reading this right now. You know this is more than a blog. You know this post just saved my life. Well, whadda-you-know, I just saved my life.  šŸ™‚

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9 thoughts on “Time wasted on smiles and frowns

  1. The lesson I’m learning right now is “don’t wear your heart on your sleeve”. People freak out when you do. I don’t think it’s a good lesson. It’s why I have a blog. This shit has got to out itself somehow. So, yeah, not a waste of time. Keep writing, even if nobody’s reading.

      1. “I either wear it on my sleeve or Iā€™m keeping inside. No in between”
        This.
        It’s what I do too. You’d think we’d have it figured out by now, but no, it’s never that simple. It would be nice to feel more stable for once. I would like to be in a group of people without having to feel like I need to “act” in some way, or just shut up.
        They say, “Be yourself.” I’m beginning to suspect that’s not really what they want. It means, “Be like us.” Meh.

      2. Wow. Though Im not too surprised at not being alone. I hope when I branch off from this industry I can put out a movie on how complex having bipolar can b. They’d run if they saw us for a week

      3. When it comes to the drugs, it’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I hate having to navigate that. And I think a movie on mental health issues in general would be a good thing. There’s too much stigma out there, and I’m well and truly over that.

  2. MBB I can’t tell you what to do …but I would be concerned that ANY medication would impede that incredible creative brain you have and boy would that be a shame. Don’t let ‘them’ experiment on that beautiful instrument, because whilst it can be hard as I know both Tony and I know what you are going through – that meticulous brain whilst it is both friend and foe to us aliens it could also save you.

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