Tranquila. Breathe. Smile. Smh

I try to avoid looking people in the eye when I’m on the streets. They think if you look them in the eye, even for a mere second you want to tell them how your day went, or want to talk about the weather, and other nonchalant blabber. But today I don’t feel like being polite, or playing nice. A car slowly pulls up next to me. “You too pretty not to smile,” somebody from the car says. I didn’t respond or look over. The car drove off.

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Too pretty not to smile? What the fuck does that mean. I felt like yelling, “bitch pay me!” Then maybe I’ll smile.

I feel like I’m just existing. And that’s nothing to smile about. I’m going back to work this month. That’s nothing to smile about either. But I need the “just in case” money. Just in case I’m not happy. Pancho makes me happy but there’s always a part of me that says I’m strong, and I take care of myself, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. I don’t think I would run from my boyfriend but I know I’m a runner. When things don’t change right away you just run, and things automatically change. And right now I want a whole lot of changes and I don’t have a a lot of patience. He knows it too.

I know I can calm down if I just get to the beach again. The nights are getting cool here like Atlanta in the winter. I don’t do good in the winter. Last winter depression kept me out of work and I was stuck in Atlanta til New Year’s. I wanted to hang myself, literally. I ended up just choking myself every thirty seconds.

My boyfriend and my nurse think going to Western Physic. is where I really need to go but I’m scared they will never let me out. Plus I’m not crazy. And don’t laugh. I’m just like everybody else. Sure, I’m having a hard time just like anyone else. I’m tired like anybody else. Unlike everybody else, I just don’t grab a beer after work. Or look on the bright side. I just don’t get high to numb how I really feel. I see reality and I half blame my mother, I scream at God, I cry to myself, and I mock my boyfriend every time he says tranquila. Tranquila. Tranquila my ass! . That’s the difference between me and everybody else. I know what I see, and life sucks. And it will be a daily fight to stop it from sucking.  And that’s the future for me because I know myself.  I’m not crazy. I just need to get to the beach.

Flirting

So today, I’m quick walking to work as usual. Two guys are sitting on the curb at end of l an alley, and just before I pass them, one of them decides to throw his lighter in front of me, then ask for me to pick it up. I give him the

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“now-you-know-there-is-no-way-in-hell-im-picking-that-up” look. As I scurry pass, he shouts, “I had to try!” I look back to give him a quick boss bish look but it wasn’t fast enough for him to not see me laugh. I think that was the most dramatic flirting I’ve had in a long time. Feels good to laugh at the little things.

Bitter Beyond Belief

I was inspired after reading a blog on 41 things to bitter about, ( not like I needed any encouragement) so though I could rant for days
below is my list. I chose #23 because I am 23 and a list of 10 or 15 is too short for a bitter rant. Enjoy.

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1. Gum. Biggest scam at 7Eleven, flavor only worth the first 5 seconds you chew it THEN you can’t even eat it.

2. Insurance. it’s truly a legal gang. You have to get it, they got your back and you owe them for the rest of your life.

3. Plastic knives. Only good for butter. Congratulations on that patent.

4. Bars. I swear its therapy for everyone who gave up on going to the gym or seeing their therapist named Jim.

5. Medicine. Have like 150 side effects when you only had one problem. Is anyone else weighing the odds.

6. Sweat. It lets you know your doing something right but that you’re also doing something wrong.

7. Pantyhose. Challenges you to be graceful, but you try to close your legs and they still run. You just can’t win.

8. Veggie meat. You either like meat or you don’t. Veggie meat will never taste like meat.

9. Toe nails. What are they protecting because my toes still hurt when they hit something.

10. Stretch marks. Whether your thick or petite, they are Inevitable.

11. Umbrellas. You will still get wet.

12. Curbs. I always trip on a curb without a descending slope. Can’t just enjoy a conversation walking down the street without worrying about the next curb.

13. Voicemail. A double notification that someone wants to talk to you. I got it the first time.

14. Public bathrooms. Need I say more…

15. People who talk on long bus rides. A NNOYING.

16. Nametags. Nobody cares to know the guys name that rung up your groceries. Unless he’s hot, but then its creepy that you know it and he never told you…

17. Timers. They remind you your running out of time, so you waste time panicking.

18. Cards. Are you supposed to keep all of them and then what.

19. Drapes. Defeats the purpose of having a window.

20. Name Tattoos. Everyone that needs to know you love your mom, knows it. A tattoo will not prove you love her more.

21. Automatic toilet flushers. I hate splashy surprise flushes. Disgusting.

22. Poofy Vest. It’s like cheating you out of a winter coat.

23. Hospital beds. After all these years… They’re uncomfortable purposely so you don’t stay long.

BEWARE: A Scattered Mind

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Ever spoke to someone who changed the subject every 5 minutes. Don’t worry its a southern thing. If I call anyone in my family from South Carolina, they will talk for 2 hours about something and nothing, and everything in between. So this morning that’s how my blog will go. Not purposely planned of course. I was just going to upload this picture with a Nike caption “Just Do It,” then my mind started wandering…

I only wear Nike to the gym. I have tried off brands, and there is always something I don’t like I’m a very indecisive shopper. But once I know what I like I stick to it.

At Brueggers bagels it took me 10 minutes to order the perfect combination. Cinnamon sugar bagel with honey walnut cream cheese AND cheese jalapeño bagel with jalapeno cream cheese. The reason I order two extremely different taste is because once I leave the store I might change my mind.

Sometimes at work I change my dress three times throughout the day but now that I live at a hotel, I can’t afford to have multiple delicate dresses washed daily.

I guess now I should mention I’m back at Blush due to guarantee consistent flow of mula and Jersey being ass. So I’m staying in Pittsburgh til I reach my goal of a decent amount of money. Then I’m getting some expensive California sun.

Just waking up for work. Like any other 9 to 5, you just do it. You wake up, you say a prayer, then you hustle. For me, I wake up, write a blog, do my makeup, tell my reflection in the mirror that I have a choice to be beautiful inside and out today, say a prayer, then head to work.

Anyway I haven’t been writing because I am starting to have a more depth personal life and I don’t know how much I want to really share… but I do want to share how I feel about it. So bear with me… and enjoy a southern written blog. 🙂