I try to avoid looking people in the eye when I’m on the streets. They think if you look them in the eye, even for a mere second you want to tell them how your day went, or want to talk about the weather, and other nonchalant blabber. But today I don’t feel like being polite, or playing nice. A car slowly pulls up next to me. “You too pretty not to smile,” somebody from the car says. I didn’t respond or look over. The car drove off.
Too pretty not to smile? What the fuck does that mean. I felt like yelling, “bitch pay me!” Then maybe I’ll smile.
I feel like I’m just existing. And that’s nothing to smile about. I’m going back to work this month. That’s nothing to smile about either. But I need the “just in case” money. Just in case I’m not happy. Pancho makes me happy but there’s always a part of me that says I’m strong, and I take care of myself, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. I don’t think I would run from my boyfriend but I know I’m a runner. When things don’t change right away you just run, and things automatically change. And right now I want a whole lot of changes and I don’t have a a lot of patience. He knows it too.
I know I can calm down if I just get to the beach again. The nights are getting cool here like Atlanta in the winter. I don’t do good in the winter. Last winter depression kept me out of work and I was stuck in Atlanta til New Year’s. I wanted to hang myself, literally. I ended up just choking myself every thirty seconds.
My boyfriend and my nurse think going to Western Physic. is where I really need to go but I’m scared they will never let me out. Plus I’m not crazy. And don’t laugh. I’m just like everybody else. Sure, I’m having a hard time just like anyone else. I’m tired like anybody else. Unlike everybody else, I just don’t grab a beer after work. Or look on the bright side. I just don’t get high to numb how I really feel. I see reality and I half blame my mother, I scream at God, I cry to myself, and I mock my boyfriend every time he says tranquila. Tranquila. Tranquila my ass! . That’s the difference between me and everybody else. I know what I see, and life sucks. And it will be a daily fight to stop it from sucking. And that’s the future for me because I know myself. I’m not crazy. I just need to get to the beach.