You, ugly ol soul you…

I don’t want to write anymore. I can not let my agony have the first or last word of every day. Nor let sorrow reach my soul. Your not welcome here anymore. You hear me!?!

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Written words. Don’t underestimate its power. I did. The mind chooses words on the basis of accuracy. But the soul stresses for its feelings to be heard. It screams and shouts write this! and write that! Wrong word, that’s not how I feel! Whether we (you and I) like it or not, the soul is the creditor and dictator of all creative/free writing. And to think I used to write to escape my soul, when in actuality I was unintentionally embracing it. You sneaky devil soul you…

Now I know I am not the only one with repetitive thoughts of discouragement and doubt of self assurance. But to acknowledge, would be the slightest defeat my I can’t afford. And to write it would bring a triumph exceeding solely within. Because words don’t stay with the writer, they latch on to the soul of the reader. And hence an alliance of heavy soul are made. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I won’t share my misery. I won’t search for more blogs of broken souls to “follow.” I have to stop looking for people who understand exactly how I feel. Why do we do this? Why do we seek sorrow in entertainment? We all have our favorite tear jerker. Mine is Million Dollar Baby. Why isn’t one sad story enough. Your sad story is enough. And I’m sick of it. Totally done. When you gather strength I hope you do the same. End the bipolar.com/mylifesucksmorethanyours/pityparty345248293. I bid my dark soul goodbye. In hateful memory, may I rest in peace Sasha’s Love. Thanks to everyone who has got me to this point.

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O Happy Day

Look who’s happy. And can you guess why? No, because I haven’t been blogging. I’ve been so busy, and focused lately. Last month’s goal was to take it easy, one day at a time. And I did, and I wish I could keep doing that forever. But, I  consciously know I am truly a mental baby, but its been waaay overdue for me to make some growth in progress. And I did! I don’t drink more than a beer at work. I work almost 4 days a week or until i reach my acceptable financial goal. (Honestly if you can’t triple a day job in less hours, get a day job). I also went to driving school, and received my license without displaying my boobs in a tight low cut top. (Seriously I wore a hoodie). Though I probably passed because I’m a hottie. Lol jokes.. Anyway, the biggest reason why I’m happy is I learned something new at church (next post). And the next biggest reason is me and Pancho are moving! The freedom to be naked all day, and take 4hr baths will soon be in effect.

Moving day this weekend, haven’t told anyone yet. Not even the douchebag we are leasing the room out of the duplex now. He will find out when our shit is gone. He pays the rent two weeks late anyway. I’m not a tidy person but as a woman the bathroom and kitchen are my sanctuary. Not that I keep either place holy, but you get what I mean. And he’s always leaving a mess in the kitchen everywhere for dayssss! You’d think it was a huge 3 day frat party every weekend, and then find out its just a 50 yr. old alcoholic Mexican addicted to Rock n Roll. I’ve seen prostitutes welcomed. And cucarachas as well. I don’t do roaches. Yes, I’m from the District of Columbia but I was raised in Maryland. Roaches only exist in school cafeterias.

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I’m still with my boyfriend so this will be the first Christmas in five years that i won’t be at work or be alone. Not that being alone is a terrible thing. Being alone taught me to love myself or at least try. Every night I think to myself how blessed I am. Even when it seems like I’m not loving myself, I’m loving life. I’m writing down plans for tomorrow, next week, next month, and even five months away!

Don’t know if its the weather, but ambition is burning inside of me to do more. So I’m taking advantage of it while I can, while passion still exist. I got my first credit card this month! Hoorah for me! Now I can rent a car til I can afford my dream Range Rover. Un día, un día. I’ve been trying to obtain my license for two years. So laugh if you want but this was not any easy task. I hit a parked car the day before my test. (And yes the owner of that vehicle was informed and paid for the invisible damages).

In a few weeks, I will kidnap my boyfriend to see my place of serenity. (Kidnap because I’m driving ha ha). I’m kind of nervous because some parts of Florida are like my “spot.” Everyone has a place they go to get away from everything and everyone. There’s never a time when my mind is not thinking except at the beach. Its like my thoughts are crashed by every incoming tide. Instead of becoming frustrated, I stare at the waves, grip a fistful of sand squeeze and repeat. And repeat until my thoughts are only the sound the next wave brings. The ripples changing the rhythm of the my mood. From summertime sadness to an overall peace to loving God’s creations to gratefulness in living another day I had earlier wanted to curse. O happy day please come again tomorrow. Goodnight

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Club Renovation

Posting pictures of the club today. The renovations are not completely finish. We will have an upstairs sports bar that looks down onto the stage. To future employees if I forgot to mention, it is easy to average $250-$400 day shift without “regulars.” So imagine if you were a strong hustler, which means outside of beauty, you use personality, ambition, and wit to connect with the customer in a timely fashion, how much you can make. Oh, and I might seem friendly in my blogs but once you start dancing with me as my colleague, I’m about my money and I don’t hesitate to get mine’s! 

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The club was closed last week for renovation. If you want to see what’s going on follow my employer @albertblush on Instagram. (I got rid of my dancer instagram sorry.) We are open tomorrow but I only work based on the mode I wake up in. We are the best club in Pittsburgh because everyone is almost as hot as me. Lol There is variety in the beauty department, and ladies here not thots. Everyone’s different. I don’t bring my personal life to work unless asked to. And even if I’m asked to, I won’t usually speak on it unless because it can unbalanced me for the rest of my day. Though feel free to chat and tip, I don’t mind if I’m not busy. I’m a chatter box. Don’t forget the tip part! Champagne Rooms $360/hr, $220/30mins Booth Dances $30 a song or 3 for $79. We are taxed 30% for booth dances. Be conscious of this when you tip someone. Hope to see you soon. My stage name is India. To my traveling dancers I will take pics as soon as I’m back to work.

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Tranquila. Breathe. Smile. Smh

I try to avoid looking people in the eye when I’m on the streets. They think if you look them in the eye, even for a mere second you want to tell them how your day went, or want to talk about the weather, and other nonchalant blabber. But today I don’t feel like being polite, or playing nice. A car slowly pulls up next to me. “You too pretty not to smile,” somebody from the car says. I didn’t respond or look over. The car drove off.

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Too pretty not to smile? What the fuck does that mean. I felt like yelling, “bitch pay me!” Then maybe I’ll smile.

I feel like I’m just existing. And that’s nothing to smile about. I’m going back to work this month. That’s nothing to smile about either. But I need the “just in case” money. Just in case I’m not happy. Pancho makes me happy but there’s always a part of me that says I’m strong, and I take care of myself, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. I don’t think I would run from my boyfriend but I know I’m a runner. When things don’t change right away you just run, and things automatically change. And right now I want a whole lot of changes and I don’t have a a lot of patience. He knows it too.

I know I can calm down if I just get to the beach again. The nights are getting cool here like Atlanta in the winter. I don’t do good in the winter. Last winter depression kept me out of work and I was stuck in Atlanta til New Year’s. I wanted to hang myself, literally. I ended up just choking myself every thirty seconds.

My boyfriend and my nurse think going to Western Physic. is where I really need to go but I’m scared they will never let me out. Plus I’m not crazy. And don’t laugh. I’m just like everybody else. Sure, I’m having a hard time just like anyone else. I’m tired like anybody else. Unlike everybody else, I just don’t grab a beer after work. Or look on the bright side. I just don’t get high to numb how I really feel. I see reality and I half blame my mother, I scream at God, I cry to myself, and I mock my boyfriend every time he says tranquila. Tranquila. Tranquila my ass! . That’s the difference between me and everybody else. I know what I see, and life sucks. And it will be a daily fight to stop it from sucking.  And that’s the future for me because I know myself.  I’m not crazy. I just need to get to the beach.

Time wasted on smiles and frowns

If I can’t “save” nobody,  nobody can save me. I give up. This battle only has one end. Everyone bites the dust. Don’t dress me up.  Don’t waste any flowers. Just check a few times to make sure I’m really gone, then throw me in the ground. I don’t need a tombstone with my name on it. I never understood how someone’s name could be meaningful without a definition. Names seem like a way to take credit from the Creator. We should be named by our actions. My actions are spontaneous. I’m unpredictable to myself. I should have been named Chaos.

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Sighs* I am chaos..so is the world beneath the weave extensions.
I’ve been brave. I’ve been strong.  I’ve smiled. I’ve frowned. I’ve cryed and cried. Sometimes there’s a why, most times not so often. I’ve laughed. And boy, did I scream. I know fear. I know love. I know what it’s not. I know hate. I know when it’s evilest form. I used to hate this fight. But now I don’t. Because at the end of the day, it’s the same as yours. “It’s all about smiles and frowns. That’s all you have.”

And time. So much fucking time! All this damn time, everyone’s in your face cooing, waiting for you to speak and you keep on smiling and frowning. You speak, then are told to hush. Time to learn when to speak.  So you question everything and everyone until you are scorned. After over 13 school years, you find out some answers take years to find. So you spend a pretty penny in a college education, just to find out “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know!” Does anyone calculate the cost, I mean time, Never mind- because time builds character. Character that people will treat as a weakness. So overtime you try to conjure a facade to protect yourself from worthless pieces of shit. Then you eagerly take that mask off when you fall in love, and just as quickly heartbreak has you face covered in despair. In love, out of love. In love, out of love. Repeat. Til you take time to love and “find yourself.” Then you find out your feelings run you in circles. And in time, ambition runs you farther. So you spend time focusing on your future. Maybe alone. Maybe with someone you met when you “found” yourself. Then you live your life smiling and frowning until you die. Thee end. I hate to break it to you but if you cut all the bull crap, you done just smiled and frowned your whole damn life! This philosophy was brought to you in part my psychotic brain and “Training Day.” If you thought this post was a waste of time, good. Stop reading.

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I’m serious. (Extra spaces Serious.)

Leave my page with your fucking happy ass.

But hey, if your smiling like I know my nurse is, who is somewhere in a clinic taking a break from people like me, reading this right now. You know this is more than a blog. You know this post just saved my life. Well, whadda-you-know, I just saved my life.  🙂